To Me, From Me: Middle-Age Advice to 30 Year-Old Me

(Note: This is an edited repost of a Facebook post I made a year or so ago, but it’s even more relevant today).

Dear 30 year-old me,

I see you. You’ve got a toddler on your knee and a baby on the boob. It only takes one look at the bags under your eyes to see that sleep is a luxury you no longer have. It would be an understatement to say that your past couple of years have been taxed. Two babies in thirteen months is a lot; throwing in a new house construction in between did not make it any easier. I wish that I could wrap my arms around you and tell you to just hold on. This will simultaneously be the slowest and the fastest season of your life.

I know that right now you roll your eyes every time you hear that the “days are long, but the years are short.” You will probably roll them even harder when I tell you that no truer words have been spoken. Believe me, though. I’ve got 18 years on you.

Flying doesn’t quite describe the trip on which you are about to embark. Remember the Scream Machine at Six Flags? Yeah, it’s more like that. There are lots of slow deliberate movements until you reach the peak and then lose control as you race down the hill, go through twists and turns, and upside down and back up again.

Remember the fear you felt while you rode it? Like, in the moment of centripetal speed, all you want is for this roller coaster to stop so that you can take the nearest exit not just from the ride, but maybe from the entire park. But then when you reach the end, you sigh and go get back in the two-hour line to do it all over again because it truly was the ride of your life.

Since I’m eighteen years older than you in both body and wisdom, I feel it’s only my duty to prepare you for your personal Scream Machine. Because girl, you are going to learn a lot these next few years….not just about your babies, but equally about you. Maybe my words will prepare you a little better than I was at 30.

1) No matter how hard you try to mold your kids into who you want them to be, nature is wicked strong. It is your job as a mother to nurture what nature (God) has given you.

2) Along the same lines, no amount of dance or baseball pitching lessons will turn them into a professional ballerina or a pro-athlete if that’s not what they want to be (spoiler alert: your kids are as far from graceful and athletic as two kids can be). Save yourself some money (and LORD, save yourself from the over-zealous baseball parents and 5 days a week at the baseball field) and refocus on what it is they truly enjoy.

3) However, DO expose them to as much as possible. You’ll meet some of your closest friends this way. And bonus – you may discover some new things that YOU enjoy (and trust me, you will need this).

4) Save your money now because one of these children will decide on the most expensive hobby in the history of all hobbies. Actually, scratch that, and do not, I repeat, do not, ever let her get close to a horse. Your bank account and your future weekends will thank me. Prepare for her to be miserable. Just tread lightly.

5) The friends that you have right now may not be your closest friends in ten years. That’s okay. Some friends are meant for life. But as Justin Bieber says, “Some people come in your life for a reason; others, they come in your life for a season.” It does not mean that you will love them any less. And odds are that you’ll pick right back up in the same place when you happen to run into them at Target in 5 years.

6) You will begrudgingly allow your kids to listen to and love Justin Bieber. They will outgrow Justin Bieber. You won’t. Sorry, not sorry.

7) One of the most shocking things you’ll experience is that the couples you thought had the “best marriages” did not. Barbie and Ken break up….multiple times. Hold on tightly to your own marriage. Children make it even more challenging, but keep it sacred no matter what you do. It’s okay if marriage is sometimes hard – that will eventually be the thing that makes you stronger.

8) If you envy other moms who seem to have it all together….perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect job….don’t. It’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s impossible to be perfect at all the things at all times. Remember Monica’s closet in Friends? EVERYONE has one, whether it’s visible or internal.

9) As hard as you try, there is no such thing as a work-life balance. You will always rob Peter to pay Paul. Those are facts. Remember this when you decide to go back to work and give yourself some grace to be less than perfect.

10) When you do go back to work, please remember that it’s only a part of you….not the whole. It’s easy to be defined by what we do. Remember that it’s more important to be defined by who you are.

11) You will never realize just how much you are needed until you sit down on the toilet.

12) Likewise, on the very rare occasion you decide to take a nap, turn off your phone ringer. If you are taking a nap, then you desperately need sleep.

13) Prepare yourself for the for the time that you become less of a caregiver and just a gloried secretary/Uber driver/bank teller. Try to remind yourself that those are all still very valuable and needed jobs.

14) On the flip side, there will come a time that you stop placing Bandaids on boo-boos and take on the more difficult job of mending hearts. Just be prepared to have yours broken in the process. A mother’s heart often takes longer to mend than a child’s.

15) The little one in pink will steal your heart and then rip it out over and over again. She’ll tell you she hates your clothes, but you’ll find your missing ones in her closet (or more likely, on her floor). She’ll resist your hugs, but in a moment of weakness, she’ll grab your hand. Just pretend like nothing is amiss, but don’t be the first to let go.

16) For all the times that you lecture your kids that social media only shows the best of other people’s lives – a snippet of reality – remind yourself of this fact as well.

17) Your kids will give you the ability to finally find your voice. And when you find it, you’ll also find that not everyone likes your voice. This will disrupt your natural tendency to make everyone happy. Use it anyway. I would like to report that you are finally able to use your voice without crying, but that may have to wait for the next letter. It’s okay, though….tears show that it means something.

18) So much of life is revealed through the rear-view mirror. Be sure to invest in a great pair of tweezers since the best light you’ll find is in your rear-view mirror. You may judge the menopausal lady at the red light next to you with her tweezers, but just know your day is coming….and just look away.

19) Just so that you are prepared, it’s a cruel joke that you get to experience “second puberty” just as your kids begin their first. I’m certain that God is a comedian.

20) You know those 8 extra pounds you’ve been trying to lose for months on end? Don’t worry over them too much. They will eventually make friends and multiply, so enjoy that somewhat existent waistline for as long as you can.

21) A bonus is that you are no longer an A-cup. Motherhood with endow you with some things that you get to keep. Granted, they may no longer be located in their original position, but hey, you always wanted to shop at Victoria Secret, right?

22) Remember that curly hair you always wanted that you never had? Well, also guess what? You’ve got some now! They just happen to be gray and appear to be having a party in the center of your part. (Maintain a great relationship with your hairstylist).

23) The teenage years will be some of the loneliest years of your life as play groups are no longer and kids are off doing a million activities. Be sure that you invest in some lasting friendships that will get you through this.

24) Be sure that you have a few friends just a few steps ahead of you who can reassure you that “this, too, shall pass”. There will be countless days that you will need to hear this, particularly when your kids are teens.

25) You will need to strengthen your backbone while simultaneously softening your heart. The only exercise to prepare you for this is having tweens/teens.

26) While you are at it, though, exercise every day. If not for your waistline, do it for your mental health.

27) You will lose the faith of your childhood at some point in your thirties. What you replace it with is a much more genuine and authentic faith that does not come from obligation, but rather from years of prayer and soul-searching.

28) You will learn more about yourself from your kids than they are ever able to learn from you. Be a willing student.

29) Likewise, talk to them about any- and everything. The sooner the better. Odds are, they already know, but it’s best that they hear it from you.

30) However, If I could only give you one piece of advice, it would be this: make sure these babies know their Papa and soon. Make sure they know his voice, his face, his smell, and his heart. Pray without ceasing that they will possess some of his heart.

Girl, I know you are tired right now, and while there are some challenges up ahead, just rest assured that you could not be on a better ride. When you start to doubt whether you can do this, just pull this letter out and know that you’ve made it through 18 years, and you’ve learned so much along the way. You’ve got this. Just hold on tight, and remember to lift your hands high when you go down that steep hill…..because that’s the ONLY way to ride a roller coaster.

Love,

48 (almost 49) year-old me

With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone. – Oscar Wilde