A Song for the Lonely

posted on : May 3, 2023 posted by : swannerh

I don’t remember what day of the week it was or in what month exactly, but I remember where I was when I first heard this song. I was sitting in my car at the Southside Chick-fil-A (“God’s Chicken”) waiting on what was probably my third or fourth order of the week to come out. We eat a lot of Chick-fil-A in this house because, why not?

It was taking a while, so I flipped on the radio. I was coming off of what had probably been my most challenging parenting season yet, reflecting and looking back at how I had handled some things and how I wished that I could have changed my reactions to other things.

The first two lines hit like a ton of bricks – “Is there anyone out there trying too sleep? Is there anyone out there as lonely as me?”. Without any warning and only two lines in, and a tear fell from my eye. What the actual heck was wrong with me (besides my usual hormonal excuse)?

I turned the radio up.

She continued to torture me. “I know what you’re thinking, I know how you feel. Laying in the dark, looking for color. Wishing that your heart could cry with another.“

More tears fell. Seriously, how could she know?

She went on –

If all the lonely people spoke

To all the other lonely folk,

There’d be no lonely people.

If only we could shine like stars

To find each other in the dark

There’d be no lonely people.

There was a tap at my window. Red faced and bleary-eyed, I jumped, forgetting that my nuggets were just outside the window.

“Thank you,” I whispered as I rolled down the window.

“My pleasure,” Chick-fil-A boy responded. He caught a glimpse of my face and added sheepishly, “Have a blessed day.”

Before I pulled away from the parking lot, I had googled the song. I listened to it three more times before I pulled into my driveway.

I am not sure why this song hit so strongly that day, but it certainly left an impression. My difficult season with my children had been coupled with feelings of loneliness when I felt that no one really understood – when I felt that I could not fully express what I wanted to for fear of judgement from others.

Kate Bingham Smith echoes the sentiment of parental loneliness in her blog post, “Parenting My Teens Has Been the Loneliest I’ve Ever Felt as a Parent.” She states, “It’s lonely here. Really lonely. I wasn’t expecting it, but I know other parents feel it. And every time we are honest about the struggle of parenting a teenager these days, and can speak freely without judgment, we are making progress.”

The author of the popular blog Parenting Teens Today gives her own response to this feeling of loneliness in her article, “To the Lonely Mom Raising Teenagers, I See You“, when she asserts “Motherhood is by far the most wonderful and rewarding experience of all, but it’s also the hardest. Let’s be there for each. Let’s change our perspective and remind ourselves of the strength we have when we stand together. Let’s call a mom, let’s ask her how she’s doing, and let’s remind her she’s not alone.”

Was the the loneliness I was feeling? Was this why this song had affected me so much? Had I felt unseen and unheard? Had I felt left to battle my challenges alone?

There were certainly many times that I felt this way, but I am also exceptionally grateful for the fearless few who were there to listen and to lend a shoulder to cry on when I needed it.

Perhaps another reason this song hit so hard was that my children had navigated through their own seasons of loneliness over the past year and being the natural empath that I am, I had experienced those difficult feelings alongside them. I might have even exacerbated those feelings by wanting to swoop in and fix those feelings instead of allow them to work things out on their own.

Regardless, loneliness is no joke, and if you are experiencing it, well, you are not alone.

Yesterday, the surgeon general released a report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”, which finds that even before we were all forced into lockdown and isolation due to Covid-19, almost half of U.S. adults reported measurable loneliness (NPR). But why?

One of the theories surrounding the new-found epidemic of loneliness is the dramatic rise in use of technology over the last decade, which has led to a change in the way we interact with one another. There is not the “need” to communicate face-to-face as often, and as a result, we have forgotten the importance of doing so. While it has been difficult enough for adults to adapt to this change, the greater fear is that teens and young adults who have been raised on screens their entire lives never developed the proper skills to appropriately interact in the first place.

While people are spending less in-person time than two decades ago, the 15-24 age group showed a 70% reduction in face-to-face interactions with their friends, often substituting in-person interactions with social media interactions, which we all know are subpar at best (NPR). As a mom of two kids in this age group, this is particularly concerning.

And while most of us probably think of loneliness in the context of hiding away in a dark room alone, it is the loneliness that you feel from lack of understanding and connection – even in a crowd of others – that can often be the most difficult.

In that vein, there’s this poignant acknowledgement of this kind of loneliness:

Okay, mom, I’m sorry for the swearing. I promise that I looked for a clean version of this, but I could not find a video version without it. Because I will always have a special space in my heart for Justin Bieber (and maybe even a little bit of a “cougar crush” – don’t judge me), I felt I had to include it. It perfectly illustrates how judgement and misunderstanding can often lead to loneliness. Even better, he owns his loneliness. He becomes human and opens the doors for others to say, “Hey, I’m lonely, too”.

What if actually owning and admitting to our own loneliness is the first step in connection and recovery? What if “all the lonely people spoke to all the other lonely folk“? Would there “be no lonely people?”

I don’t like oversimplifying things, but maybe it could be that easy. Or at least a step in the right direction.

I believe there can be power in exposing our vulnerabilities, and if not power, then community. We aren’t wired to do this thing alone. We are wired for community.

So in this month of Mental Health Awareness, maybe we can seek that out. Seek out your friends with teenagers – we are all dealing with our own struggles and need an ear sometimes. Put your phone away and call a friend you haven’t seen in a while to go for a walk. Encourage your children, and especially your teens, to interact in person more. Sit on your front lawn with your neighbors more. Better yet, invite them to dinner. Listen more, judge less.

Look for the lonely people…..even those hidden in a crowd. “If we reached out our hands, we’d find somebody who wants to be found.” What a beautiful reminder.

For a full list of the surgeon general’s recommendations for combatting loneliness, see this article: “America has a loneliness epidemic. Here are 6 steps to address it.”

Let’s show up for each other.

And since my solace is often found in music, I’ll leave you with this one, which is remarkably more hopeful.